From passion to love: when the brain leads the dance
Love, this great mystery that makes our hearts beat, is not just a matter of poetry or destiny. Behind the magic of first glances, butterflies in the stomach, and the euphoria of the beginnings, lies a cerebral mechanism as precise as it is fascinating. Lucy Vincent, neurobiologist and author of the book The Brain of Lovers (Odile Jacob), has made it her mission to deconstruct preconceived ideas: no, love is not just a story of chance or romance, it is above all a biological need, orchestrated by our neurons and our hormones.
But what's the real point of early passion? Why does it fade so quickly? And most importantly, how can we turn our brain's insights into concrete advice to make a relationship last? Lucy Vincent guides us through the stages of love, from love at first sight to deep attachment, and shares tips for keeping the flame alive.
What happens in our brain when we fall in love?
He's going through a veritable chemical storm. During the reproductive years, sex hormones influence the production of oxytocin and vasopressin, two key substances for attachment. We then become particularly sensitive to certain sensory signals, such as a voice, a look, or a smell, which our brain associates with kindness.
If the person opposite us meets these criteria, these signals activate the reward center and trigger a massive release of endorphins: this is euphoria and the feeling of love addiction. The amygdala, an area of the brain involved in managing emotions, pushes us to idealize others and sometimes feel jealous, all reactions that strengthen the romantic bond.
Does this budding love have a biological function?
Yes, absolutely. The passionate love of early relationships isn't primarily about making us happy, but about fostering the survival of our offspring. This intense phase pushes two adults to stay together long enough for their child to become less vulnerable. When the child begins to walk, fend for themselves, or catch food, around the age of 3, they reach a threshold of viability where the presence of a single parent may be sufficient. There is then no longer any evolutionary advantage to forcing two parents to stay together unless it is no longer necessary for the child.
Evolution doesn't care about our happiness after reproduction! This mechanism, observed in many monogamous species, explains why the intense love of the beginning doesn't last forever.
Does this fleeting passion mean the end of love?
No, quite the opposite. The passionate phase allows for a strong bond and brings the couple closer together. Once this period is over, attachment takes over, based on complicity, deep friendship, and intimacy.
This new love, less exalted but more stable, offers many advantages: it promotes health, well-being, and longevity. Understanding this mechanism helps us navigate the different stages of life as a couple without doubting the relationship when the passion wanes. We can then say to ourselves: "We've passed the phase where the brain is in turmoil, how are we going to write the next part of our story?"
Can you train your brain to love in the long term?
Yes, and that's the whole point! The different areas of the brain involved in attachment can be stimulated throughout a couple's life. It's about reinventing the relationship, surprising the other, sharing new experiences, and cultivating intimacy to maintain the circuits of pleasure and attachment (see box).
Every tender gesture, every shared moment—whether it's a kiss, a caress, sexual intercourse, or a simple conversation over dinner—encourages the release of oxytocin. This feel-good hormone soothes, strengthens the immune system, and slows the heart rate, contributing to a feeling of serenity.
Couples who continue to practice these romantic behaviors see their relationships last longer. They no longer live in passionate dependence, but in shared well-being.
Rekindle happy memories. " We can bring out photos, revisit significant places in the couple's history, and share memories of first dates or special moments. Indeed, the hippocampus, the area that manages memories, is particularly receptive to stimulation through shared emotional memory."
Maintain novelty and surprise . " Organizing unexpected weekends, discovering new activities to do together, and changing routines are recommended. The nucleus accumbens, a region of the brain involved in the reward circuit, is stimulated by surprise or change. It reacts positively to novelty, which has the effect of boosting motivation and excitement within the couple."
Increase tender and sensory gestures. " The insula, which processes sensations, benefits from new sensory stimuli. Hugs, massages, tender glances, and caresses are all gestures that strengthen physical and emotional intimacy."
Communicate sincerely and regularly. "Communication is also essential for maintaining the bond and understanding each other's needs. It allows you to adapt behaviors, defuse tensions, and stimulate the areas of the brain involved in attachment. Sincere words, regular compliments, and the expression of your desires and frustrations: all of this nourishes complicity and strengthens the romantic bond over the long term."
Celebrate successes and small joys together. " Sharing joy promotes the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and strengthens bonding."
Compliment your partner. " Sincere compliments stimulate dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters essential for well-being. Dopamine is often called the "pleasure molecule" because it enhances motivation and the feeling of reward, while serotonin plays a key role in regulating mood and feelings of satisfaction. Their release thus promotes positive feelings and satisfaction within the relationship."
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