Donatella U.: “My husband had a double life, he cheated on me for 10 years with another woman”

“I would never have thought that my husband Cristiano was unfaithful to me. Because we had a great relationship and a strong understanding about everything.” Donatella U., a 42-year-old woman who lives in Rome and works in interior design, tells us her story of betrayal. “Knowing that he had cheated on me was hard, very hard. I thought it was a mistake, a passing story, but he and this woman had been seeing each other for a decade,” she tells us. “Now I am writing to you because I don’t know what to do, whether to leave him or not. Cristiano tells me that the other woman was blackmailing him, threatening to tell me everything if he didn’t continue seeing her. I am very shocked and confused, I would like the opinion of a psychologist who can help me shed light on how to deal with this great pain that I am experiencing.”

A (seemingly) happy marriage

“When I met Cristiano I knew right away that he would be the man of my life . I had never felt anything like that for anyone. And he had fallen in love with me too. We got married at 30 and two years later our family expanded with the arrival of our daughter Claudia. We were happy at the time, I can put my hand in the fire for that. Exactly ten years ago my husband, who is an architect, changed studios for a better position and also started traveling for work. At least twice a week he went to the Milan office of his company. To me everything always seemed normal in these ten long years, marked by holidays together, many happy moments and mutual support when we faced problems. We were a couple, not just in words, and I never doubted him and his love for me and our daughter Claudia. Everything would have continued like this, if there hadn't been some strange phone calls that in the last few months arrived on my cell phone”.

Call from suspicious number puts Donatella on alert

“Lately I was receiving calls from an unknown number, but every time I answered , I only heard silence on the other end and then they hung up . After a while, I started to get suspicious and so I recorded the number, to see if it was still the same one. And after two weeks, I had confirmation. I had tried to call back more than once, but no one had ever answered. One day I had an epiphany: I went to see on Whats App who was hiding behind these calls. And when I saw the photo, my heart sank: next to a woman I had never seen before was my husband . I tried to write to her at this point, she saw it and didn't answer. I got on the phone and only after many calls did I finally hear a female voice on the other end. “Hi Donatella, I didn't want you to find out like this,” this woman told me, and she started telling me an absurd story. “My name is Francesca and I live in Milan. I have been your husband's lover for ten years , when he comes here he sleeps at my house, this is not only my house, but also his. For many years we got along, then recently Cristiano changed and distanced himself. I started calling you about this, I didn't have any explanations from him that convinced me, so I thought I would find them from you. Only then I never found the courage to really talk to you and even now I feel deeply embarrassed to reveal the truth to you", she tells me in a calm and quiet voice. "I know you will have a thousand questions, but I think it is your husband who should give you all the explanations. So for me the call ends here", and hangs up. I feel like I'm in a blender and I can't understand what this woman told me. I don't want to alarm my daughter who is with me and with the excuse of a headache I lock myself in the room and call my husband, asking him to come home immediately. My voice is choked with crying and Cristiano replies that he will be right away".

“My husband had a double life”

“First I ask the neighbor if she can keep my daughter Claudia with her, so she can play with her daughter and not witness this discussion that I want to address immediately with Cristiano. He arrives out of breath and I tell him right away, point-blank, that I spoke to his lover and I want an explanation. He makes me sit down and starts telling me everything. After a few months of going to Milan he met this woman and we had just one night stand. But then they got angry and their flirtation turned into a relationship, which later became living together when he was in the city. She knew everything, even that he would never leave me to be with her. And for all these years the situation had gone well for her. She had basically built a double life with her . Not long ago, Francesca started asking him to have a child, but Cristiano had refused and had started to question their relationship. So she had started threatening him, telling him that she would tell me everything, ruining our marriage. This is the reason for these anonymous phone calls, other than explanations that she didn't have from my husband!

I am beside myself. I scream in his face: “Cristiano, I can’t believe you lied to me for all this time, ten years is a long time! And besides, if she hadn’t made this request, who knows how long all this adultery would have lasted!”. I really don’t know if and how I can forgive him, I no longer know who this man is who was capable of betraying me in this way. Also because when I asked him the reason for this betrayal, he mumbled stupid excuses , like “I felt alone”. He swore to me that he would never see her again, he wouldn’t even go to her house to get his things back. But how can I believe him? In the days that followed, Cristiano asked me to think, not to ruin everything, especially for my daughter. She is the only one holding me back from running to the lawyer to separate right now. I really don’t know how we can recover, my mind is too confused to make a decision and I need the opinion of an expert”.

“When you love deeply, the desire to forgive may emerge as a natural impulse, but forgiveness is a shared journey”

The comment of Dr. Anna Merolle, psychologist, psychotherapist and expert in relationship dynamics, on today's story.

“The discovery of the infidelity and the way it was revealed have shocked Donatella, leaving her with a trauma that requires time and reflection to understand how to move forward. This leads her to a complex dilemma, which leaves her in deep confusion regarding Cristiano's version of the alleged blackmail of the lover and his desire to stay with her.

On the one hand, she wants to forgive, hoping to rebuild what has been destroyed. When you love deeply, the desire to forgive can emerge as a natural impulse, similar to a sponge that wants to absorb the pain and what has happened. On the other hand, she fears the consequences of a separation, which would bring uncertainty and the pain of a future to face alone. Her fears are intertwined with the idea of ​​a different life, also affecting the well-being of their daughter. The possibility of a broken family weighs heavily on her heart. In this state of uncertainty, Donatella feels overwhelmed and unable to make a clear decision. The pressure of having to choose between forgiveness and separation seems oppressive, leading her to question the rightness of her choices.

It is important to recognize that the cheater may try to speed up the decision-making process to alleviate their own guilt, but this can increase the confusion of the one who is hurt. At the same time, Cristiano, beyond asking for forgiveness, must reflect on the reason for his choice to live a double life , understanding the underlying personal and existential dynamics. Forgiveness is a shared journey ; it cannot be the sole responsibility of Donatella, who finds herself being the judge not only of Cristiano, but also of herself. It is normal to feel lost at this time, but the first step is to give yourself time to explore your emotions without rushing to decide.

The useful advice for Donatella is that there is no right or wrong choice; every decision must reflect her well-being. Writing down her thoughts and feelings can help her create a safe space in which to organize her fears and desires. Talking about it with someone she trusts can further clarify what she really wants. Her personal growth and search for authenticity will depend on her ability to listen to herself, even when the path seems uncertain. In this journey, every step towards understanding becomes an act of strength and freedom”.