What does it mean when a person always keeps quiet to avoid conflict, according to psychology?
In contrast to conflictive personalities, who "swim" well in these turbulent waters, there are others who, when faced with a conflict, prefer to remain silent, not speaking up or attempting to mediate. This gesture, which a priori and occasionally may mean that we are dealing with a person with a good sense of self-control , if it is the norm, may be masking some underlying problems, according to experts.
To delve into the hidden motives that can lead some people to remain silent, when the "normal" thing to do would be to voice their opinion like everyone else, even if it means a confrontation, we spoke with two psychologists, who offer a psychological perspective on these "overly" cautious profiles in all possible situations.
Silence in the face of conflict and the 'avoidance pattern'"Keeping quiet in the face of conflict occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing; on the contrary, it can demonstrate a capacity for control and regulation of frustration . However, when it's a regular occurrence, it can become problematic." Juan Ignacio Sanz, psychologist (estarcantigoterapia.es), first discusses the 'avoidance pattern' that lurks behind someone who always remains silent in the face of conflict.
"These types of people don't just avoid conflict, but also the painful emotions or feelings that these confrontations can provoke ." As for the underlying causes of this avoidance, "there may be a strategy to avoid having to live or feel the pain, because they don't feel capable of dealing with the consequences."
Deep down, there's fear about losing that emotional bond . "When we have feelings of insecurity or a poor self-image, we also often give this 'no conflict' response, out of fear of being wrong, making a mistake, or making a fool of ourselves. In this way, we feel that avoiding conflict protects us from rejection, prevents us from showing ourselves vulnerable," explains Sanz.
The consequences of a violent environment
Those people who have grown up in families or circles where there was a lot of aggression or even violence , "are candidates to develop a high aversion to conflict , due to the context in which they have grown up. This is because the constant conflicts they have experienced in the past make them vulnerable, insecure , with a fear of being harmed both physically and emotionally."
And emotional wounds , if they have not been properly healed, or at least processed appropriately, "are likely to be reactivated every time the person involved experiences a confrontation. Faced with this immediate alert, their avoidance pattern will cause them to remain silent to protect themselves.
Other reasons that prevent setting limits and facing conflict
In this article, psychologist, writer, and university professor Buenaventura del Charco Olea analyzes the three reasons, beyond the fear of conflict , that can lead people to not react to situations in which they should set limits.
1. Feeling guilty when showing anger in the face of a conflictThe first of the reasons affects "that highly guilty person, who identifies anger as something perverse and not as an emotion that appears to allow us to defend ourselves (here we could point to the important role of a 'do-gooder' culture that has demonized anger and conflict, which has taken away much of its legitimacy).
In these cases, "the person who remains silent does so because, although they know they can defend themselves, they believe that doing so openly has an evil undertone. The next step is to submit without hesitation to their own moral judgment or that of others , so they choose silence."
Authors like Nathaniel Branden have researched how the anger we don't expel turns into anger toward ourselves, in the form of guilt. "This creates a vicious cycle that feeds back: I don't defend myself, I feel more guilty... then I defend myself even less to avoid it."
2. "Well, my pain isn't that important either."
Another common reason people don't react to conflict is the fact that they have internalized the feeling that their pain isn't important. We can see this in many people who are capable of standing up for others and speaking out for various causes, but not for themselves.
This feeling of worthlessness "comes from situations of abandonment, humiliation , and continuous devaluation. The consequence is extremely low self-esteem and a lack of compassion and empathy for our own suffering. If my pain doesn't matter, why should I fight for it?"
The third cause can occur "in people who are very emotionally disconnected and who become blocked, usually as a result of various types of trauma. This is especially important if they have experienced situations in the past where they were helpless and have internalized this feeling of being powerless ."
This blockage caused by past traumas "prevents them from reacting to what's happening. In short, these profiles, even if they don't have a direct problem with the conflict, do react as a result of emotional disconnection," concludes Del Charco Olea.
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