Psychologist on how to recognize and learn to break through parental expectations

Perhaps your parents had certain expectations of you? Or perhaps you now have them of your own children? According to psychologist Marjan de Vries, expectations can be well-aligned, but also misaligned. And the latter can have a significant impact on adulthood. She explains how you can learn to recognize and, potentially, break through these expectations in your family.

Marjan de Vries is a psychologist and has been supporting people with all kinds of psychological issues in her practice for 33 years. During her training, Alfred de Lange, the renowned Emeritus Professor of Relationship and Family Therapy, taught her about family systems from a systems theory perspective. "He gave me a systems-based education. You can approach and understand many issues from a systems theory framework. Not everything in life, of course. If you have a car accident and later don't dare get in a car again, you approach it more from the perspective of the trauma of the accident. But our childhood, family, and family history are very formative. They shape us in both good and bad ways. It's a rich resource for understanding the issues a person experiences."

De Vries is a mother herself. Does she also look at her own family systemically? "You can't avoid that. For example, both my parents experienced the war as children. Those are systems I look at. And for my book, I also interviewed my own children about their perspectives on our family system."

The psychologist has written several books, including " Buiten Verwachting" (Above Expectations ), about parental expectations. The book stems from the many stories she hears in her practice. "But at the same time, I also recognized patterns about parental expectations in the media, for example. For example, I read a story about the Norwegian athlete Jakob Ingebrigtsen. He faced very demanding expectations in his youth and is now at odds with his father."

Ingebrigtsen is a young top talent in the world of athletics and is conquering the world's top, but he previously stated that he "actually doesn't like running at all," according to De Volkskrant, among others. "That fascinated me. Why do you run then? As humans, we do many things that are expected of us. Children are impressionable."

According to the psychologist, influence doesn't always have to be negative. "As a child, I also chose handball and softball because that's what my parents did. There was absolutely no pressure behind it. And some children choose the same profession as their parents, without being pushed." But Ingebrigtsen's was different. His father, who also coached all his children who ran, was charged, but later acquitted, with child abuse and emotional abuse . "You recognize that father's coercive behavior in Ingebrigtsen's story. I see coercive behavior in all sorts of areas. I recognize those kinds of experiences in my practice as well. They stuck with me."

She continues: "You see those kinds of stories all the time. For example, with artists, athletes, entrepreneurs, or immigrant children. With these immigrant children, you see, for example, that their parents sacrificed everything to give their child a better future. But as a child, you have to live up to that. That too can be a burdensome expectation."

According to the psychologist, there are well-aligned and misaligned parental expectations. "As a parent, you're allowed to have expectations, of course. For example, because you want your child to do well. When you're young, you don't understand why you have to do math problems, and I had the same problem as a child. Children don't understand that they'll eventually have to function in society. Parents do, and they can certainly coach a child in that. But as soon as a coercive approach comes into play, you're on thin ice. It's not just about the content, but also about the parents' attitude when expectations aren't met."

And then how you, as a parent, manage those expectations matters considerably. Can you examine your own expectations and engage in conversation with a child? Can you offer safety? What factors influence your expectations? Parents make mistakes, and that's okay. But you do need to be open to conversation and listen to children. If you do, expectations are misaligned.

If parents have no expectations at all, that's not good either, explains De Vries. "Then you give the impression that nothing matters. Balance is needed. Parents with healthy parenting styles possess qualities like empathy, self-reflection, and humor. And then you can ask things of your child and set boundaries. Life isn't all about a child, and society isn't always nice and sweet. If you teach a child that, they can develop. It's like parents searching for a balance between freedom and protection." Metro previously spoke with educational psychologist Loes Waanders . She advocates for more relaxed parenting.

As the psychologist describes, there's a difference between well-aligned and misaligned expectations. "Why do you want something from your child? That's an important question to ask yourself every now and then. Is there any personal interest or feeling involved? Or are you expecting something in the child's best interest?"

The psychologist cites the TV series "Oogappels " as an example. "Lead actress Merel portrays this well. You can see how she imposes her own expectations on her daughter Lieke. Lieke might actually want to go to the conservatory, but her mother is forcing her towards medical school. It's not about Lieke's interests, but probably about the status Merel can gain from it. That has value for her. I see this with many parents, and it's a common occurrence. When expectations are not properly aligned, a parent becomes forceful in word and behavior. For example, with anger, disappointment, sadness, or there are consequences attached. All in the hope that a child will do what they want and need. But as a result, a child makes a choice that may not be right for them."

Experiencing restrictive expectations at home as a child can lead to considerable challenges and struggles later in life. De Vries emphasizes that not every child is the same and each child handles things differently, but she does see common patterns arising from expectations. "These children, for example, experience challenges later in life regarding their self-image or self-confidence. If you always have to do what someone else says, are you even okay as you are? That can affect how you think about yourself and the choices you make later in life. This can result in, for example, underachievement, self-distrust, and not being able to get where you want to be."

But fear is also something you can experience in adulthood due to expectations. If you often or never get things right, you can become afraid to do anything at all. And perhaps think it's better to do nothing.

Loneliness can also seep into adulthood. For example, if your parents don't anticipate and rigidly adhere to their norms and values. Lale Gül speaks honestly about this. Being rejected for wanting to do things differently. That can be very lonely.

Expectations come in all shapes and sizes and also vary by family and age group. “But for young people, education is often something parents have expectations for. ‘You’re not going to art school, you’re going to learn a real trade,’ someone in my practice told me. But also the idea that you have to stay within the ‘herd’ or norm, that you stay in the same village and make the same choices as your parents. You often see these parental expectations reflected in many athletes and celebrities as well. Incidentally, the great athletes did achieve success and earn money. But we sometimes forget all the youth soccer players or other young sporting talents who just didn't make it. They ‘failed’ and ‘disappointed’ their parents. That can be very deeply ingrained.”

According to De Vries, our mental state thrives when we're allowed to follow our own hearts. "Even if that doesn't meet the norm. The coercive nature of things can really set you back in life. Many children still end up doing what their parents expect of them. You want to make your parents proud, maintain a good atmosphere, and make them happy. That's a complex dynamic."

De Vries also regularly hears parents say they've always "had their child's best interests at heart" or "done their best." But according to the psychologist, some forget the difference between practical and emotional parenting. "Many parents understand the practical and financial aspects, for example. And that aspect is also necessary. Parents who drive their child everywhere and ensure that, for example, there are no financial shortfalls."

But they forget, or don't realize, that you also have to meet children's emotional needs. Emotional availability is important. Are emotions allowed to exist? Can you comfort them? Deal with grief? Be a listening ear? These parents may not be able to handle these emotions themselves and therefore dismiss them. But being seen, receiving a hug, saying 'I'm here for you'—those are valuable things for a child. Parents don't always distinguish between emotional and practical. And yes, children generally find the emotional aspect more important.

Imagine you're a parent yourself. How do you ensure you're mindful of your own expectations? "Many parents aren't aware that they're imposing expectations. And if you're not aware of them, you won't act on them. So the first step is awareness. Then self-reflection is important. Is your child complaining to you? Or angry with you? Then listen to what they're trying to tell you. Then it's wise to ask yourself: where do those expectations come from? Did my parents do the same? What about their family history? And most importantly: talk to your child and discuss how things could be done differently."

If, as an (adult) child, you may have faced your parents' restrictive expectations, you can still take action, according to De Vries. "Observe your own family dynamics. During birthdays or dinners. How do your parents react to you and your siblings? Suppose you say something vulnerable to your parents? How do they react to that? Map out that image of a family." Once that image is clearer, De Vries suggests talking to your siblings. "Ask if they recognize or experience the same things. In many families, you also see, for example, a child being a 'favorite' or a 'scapegoat.' 'Take a leaf out of your older brother' is one such thoughtless statement from parents. Talk to your siblings about your childhood and upbringing. And also look at the roles and behavior of grandparents, for example."

The psychologist continues: "After that, you can write down your observations and findings in a letter. A letter you keep to yourself, but you can also read aloud. How do your parents react to that? And also talk to your parents about what it was like at home when they were younger. It's advisable to ask these kinds of questions with curiosity, not attacking them. For example, ask: 'Why did you want children? What did you ever expect from parenthood? What did you hope to become back then?' These can lead to very valuable conversations. And when you're ready, you can bring up things like not feeling free to make your own choices. Or maybe you find it difficult when a parent says certain things to you."

Not every parent is able to handle this well. "Do parents not want to know about this at all? Or are they unable to? Then, of course, you can't force them. However, it's good to detach yourself from their misaligned expectations. You can do this in various ways. For example, if all sorts of negative experiences have led you to believe that you don't matter, you can process that through EMDR therapy (focused on those negative experiences). This creates space for you to believe something different (more positive) about yourself."

For her book, De Vries regularly contacted various clients who had previously or still have experience with her practice. She asked them what recognizing family systems and potentially breaking through expectations ultimately brought them. "For example, someone who quit their job because it wasn't making them happy. And then made completely different professional choices."

But also a woman whose mother always insisted she be happy, which is such an interesting topic. Her mother couldn't stand it when things weren't going well for her, so she always had to be okay. The constant pressure to never have a down day or a bad day. She recognized that pattern more and more and discussed it with her sister. This made her stronger and taught her to set boundaries. Because that burden disappears, life becomes a lot less difficult. Especially when you can share it with a brother or sister, find support from each other, and make different choices than your parents.

And thus take control of your own life, the psychologist emphasizes. "Then you can make choices that seem right for you. Do your parents struggle with that? That might be difficult, but it doesn't have to hold you back. Parents sometimes have to learn to take steps too. For example, I once went to America when I was 22, but my parents weren't thrilled. Phones and Polarsteps hadn't been invented yet. But I went anyway. Now one of my own children is backpacking, and I understand better what they went through. Sometimes, as a child, you have to do things that your parents might find difficult. They're allowed to experience that, but the child's control is important. Ultimately, as a child, you have to make your own choices and take responsibility for them."