Putin's spokesman working remotely

There are those who speak out of ignorance, those who speak out of vanity and those who speak out of fanaticism. General Agostinho Costa managed, with a commendable dedication to nonsense, to bring together all three categories in a single starched uniform. It is a rare case of vocal loyalty to the Kremlin with a Beato accent, a kind of “Russia Today” in a Viva o Gordo version.

A general in the Portuguese Army who, despite not knowing what he was, found a calling in the profession of trying the patience of television viewers. Always ready for another television appearance, even if it is to explain that the blame for the war lies with those who do not allow themselves to be invaded politely, he invariably appears with the puffed-up look of someone who has just been promoted to honorary marshal of Donbass and with that twinkle in his eye typical of someone who has memorized the editorials of Pravda from 1983.

Portuguese television, in a bizarre necro-Soviet fetish, continues to seat him in commentator's chairs as if his opinion added something more than just embarrassment, yawns and the occasional solemnly hissed "sotor". Agostinho Costa is the special envoy for Realidade Paralela and the Kremlin's unofficial correspondent in Lisbon. Between two "sotoras" and three knowing winks at Putinist thinking, he evangelizes us with the enthusiasm of an oil lamp about the dangers of resisting an invasion.

This week, for example, when even soberly rational analysts recognized the boldness and surgical precision of the Ukrainian attack on Russian strategic aviation, an operation that destroyed aircraft with maintenance costs more than the budget of the National Health Service, General Costa appeared, with the sad expression of someone who saw yet another icon of the USSR fall.

He assured, with the gravity of a sacristan caught drinking wine at mass, that the real problem is “escalation”. Because, apparently, bombing a Russian military base is more dangerous than kidnapping Ukrainian children and “we have to understand” that “we are playing with fire, sotora”.

As if the bizarre analysis were not enough, the general still had time to offer the Portuguese an unforgettable moment of geopolitical commentary in tortured language: Well, sir, we have to understand... that, in fact... this could lead to consequences... kindergartens, hmm... in Kiev, do you understand? No, Mr. General, we understand nothing more than the shamelessness of someone who dares to verbalize such language.

In a country with a shred of decency, the phrase “infant nurseries in Kiev” said in a tone of passive-aggressive threat would have been worth the immediate dismissal of the author, used to tarnish the Armed Forces and to praise, with a gleam in his teeth, the Russian troops fueled by vodka and obscenities. But in Portugal, Agostinho Costa is treated as a kind of stupid oracle of Donbass, to whom we owe respect for the simple fact that he once wore a uniform and learned to say “geopolitics” without choking, although not always.

His logic is a Soviet playbook patched together with duct tape. If Russia bombs, it’s a “reaction.” If Ukraine responds, it’s “terrorism.” If Putin invades, it’s “strategy.” If Zelensky resists, it’s “provocation.” All served with the intonation of a strutting parrot, who gets all worked up whenever a fellow panelist dares to contradict the narrative imported from the East. That’s when we get to know the real Agostinho Costa: irritated, apoplectic, truculent, stuttering, paternalistic, a mix of Marshal Zhukov and a tavern keeper from Sabugal, but without the charisma of the former or the authenticity of the latter.

There is no shortage of episodes that would make any television producer with two and a half brain cells blush: when he assured that “Crimea was never truly Ukrainian” (a geopolitical gem only available in Soviet manuals from 1975), or when he stated, with a serious air, that “Russia only reacted to NATO provocations”, as if justifying a robbery because the bank’s doors were open.

When confronted with the war crimes documented in Bucha, Costa had the audacity to ask for “consideration in the analysis” and suggested that “much of what we see could be staged”. Staged, it should be noted, said in the same tone as someone who doubts the existence of Jupiter, because he has not seen it with his own eyes.

General Costa is not just biased. He is a sad symptom. A product of the lethal mix of literate ignorance and post-Soviet reverence for Russian propaganda. For him, Ukraine’s territorial integrity is an irrelevant detail, while the Kremlin’s emotional sensitivity deserves diplomatic treatment and aromatherapy sessions.

It takes some talent and a lot of nerve to watch the destruction of Russian strategic bombers on Russian soil and react with the regret of someone who lost the World Cup final. For Agostinho Costa, Ukraine's mistake is refusing to die in silence, and the West's mistake is believing that there are still right sides in a war.

Our problem, however, is having to put up with this scratchy, stuttering VHS tape, according to which the courage of Ukrainians is described as “Nazism”, and where the words “NATO”, “provocation” and “sotor” are used in far from homeopathic proportions.

As long as this armchair general continues to be promoted as an “expert,” we are doomed to view war through the Kremlin’s dirty lens, according to which destroying bombers is a dangerous provocation, but using them to raze cities is merely “strategic dynamics.”