People getting divorced are setting up gift registries. Don't roll your eyes just yet
When Stacey Slager's marriage ended, a colleague suggested she start a divorce registry: a list of items that friends and family could get her as gifts, to help her start over.
"I never had a wedding registry when I got married because my ex-husband and I both had been living on our own and didn't need very much," said Slager, whose 14-year marriage ended in 2023.
"But when it came time to get divorced, we were separating a household and he got some things like the vacuum cleaner. And I was going to need those kinds of things," she told The Current.
Slager had been living in the U.S. for more than a decade, but the split prompted her to move home to Vancouver Island. Needing both somewhere to live and a new job, she started a Google document and shared it with the people in her life, asking for help.
"There were things like a can opener and a cutting board. I got most of the things on my list thanks to everybody giving me their hand-me-downs," she said.
While divorce rates have steadily declined in Canada, the cost of doing so can run into thousands of dollars in legal fees (or even tens of thousands in complex, contested cases). Coupled with the costing of living and housing crises, many people struggle with the expense of starting out solo.
Some of Slager's friends went off-list and threw in extra items, and a friend's father even gave her furniture. She estimates the value of what she received came to around $15,000 — money she simply didn't have at the time.
"Having people offer me things and also asking me what I needed was extremely important," she said.
While Slager created her own list, there are companies that offer divorce registries, a service that may be met with a few eyerolls. Some single people point out that their big life events aren't celebrated or supported in the same way, especially when they're already shouldering high costs on a single income.
Olivia Howell, who runs a divorce registry based in New York, says that criticism is missing the point.
"It's not about celebrating their divorce. It's about supporting them through a life transition," said Howell, who co-founded Fresh Starts.
"Giving your friend a new shower curtain or a new toothbrush holder is going to cost you $12 and it's going to mean the world to them," she said.
House was 'like a ghost town'Howell started her company four years ago after her own divorce, when her ex-husband moved out and took his belongings with him.
"I remember distinctly looking around my house and it was like a ghost town … everything else that was left was from my wedding registry or monogrammed," she said.
"It was very hard to heal with that emptiness around me."
Her company now offers bundles of items based on budgets, ranging from $99 to $500 US, as well as packages for kitting out specific rooms, like a kitchen or child's bedroom. Her website also connects people with experts on the divorce process, from lawyers and financial experts to counsellors and parenting coaches. She said there are privacy measures in place to protect women who may be fleeing abuse or domestic violence, and some people use the site for other life events, such as a job loss.
Howell said one of the most stressful parts of her divorce was figuring out if she could afford to stay in their family home, or would need to move and switch her son's school.
"I felt like I was screwing up his whole life and our whole life, and it was just really scary," she said.
When a mortgage advisor walked her through everything and confirmed she was making just enough to keep the house, she "cried the joyful tears" and knew things would be OK, she said.
Eva Sachs, a divorce financial specialist based in Toronto, says that even when a divorce isn't contested, the process can be very complicated.
"Our lives are complicated today. We have a house, we may have a cottage, we've got investments, we may have a business, we got pensions," she said.
Disentangling all of those complex financial relationships is expensive, she said.
Sachs hadn't heard of divorce registries, but says she thinks it's an interesting idea. She regularly sees expenses rack up for her clients, especially if one partner needs to find alternative accommodation but stay close to their kids.
She said clients often want to get through the process as quickly as possible, but sometimes it takes time and space to figure out what their goals really are. They may come to her initially saying they want to keep the house, no matter what.
But as they discuss financial realities and emotions settle, many will come to realize that they're "actually excited about the opportunities of moving on and starting fresh," she said.
'A lot of men are in the same position'Howell said while the majority of Fresh Starts' clients are millennial women (some studies show women suffer more than men financially following divorce), men use the service, too.
"A lot of men are in the same position [that] a lot of women are in. They don't have anything when they start out," she said.
"But culturally, a lot of men are told to not ask for help or support, and so it's very hard for them to [reach out]."
She thinks that's part of a wider stigma and shame around marriages ending, and hopes her company can remind people of a simple truth: divorce happens.
"We move on. We deal with it. It's not going to be fun, but it's going to happen and we're going to support people who are going through it," she said.
That support isn't just financial, she added.
"When you can fill your home with the items from the people who love and support you, it actually helps bolster your confidence and … make bigger, bolder decisions in life."
Slager, who moved back to Canada after her own divorce, said she couldn't have managed without the "tremendous support from my friends that were generous and non-judgmental and just absolutely there for me."
When she looks around her home, she feels tempted to add little plaques to all the things that friends gave to help her get back on her feet.
"The couch and loveseat came from Andrew and Jocelyn, and the dresser came from Burgl's dad," she said.
"It really is like I've been supported by a village."
cbc.ca
