I ‘cured’ my partner’s ‘miserable husband syndrome’ – the 4 warning signs, and how to stop it wrecking your marriage
IRRITABLE, moody, low energy, emotionally withdrawn, snappy, quiet, stressed, angry…
If any of these labels apply to the man in your life, they could be suffering from ‘miserable husband syndrome’.
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Bertie Stringer says her husband Sheldon, 47, started suffering from it in 2018 shortly after turning 40.
"He went from being the Duracell bunny in terms of energy to being grumpy, demotivated, and just not himself," she tells Sun Health.
"It mirrored my perimenopause symptoms but without a label."
Thankfully some diet and lifestyle tweaks saved the pair from calling it quits, and they're now happier than ever.
But not everyone is so lucky. Bertie and Sheldon, from Hertfordshire, want other couples to be aware of the signs - and potential fixes - before it's too late.
While it might not be officially recognised by the medical or psychological community, miserable husband syndrome is something women across the country are familiar with.
And couples and relationship therapist Georgina Sturmer says it’s a very real phenomenon.
She tells Sun Health: “The concept of ‘miserable husband syndrome’ is an idea or label that we might attribute to a man, typically in mid or later life, who is experiencing a deterioration in their mood.
“They might be showing increasing signs of stress, anger or anxiety, and their change in mood is interrelated with their relationship, hence the use of the word ‘husband’.”
While it’s not a new phenomenon, research suggests falling testosterone levels in mid and later life could account for some of the symptoms.
Sometimes dubbed the ‘male menopause’ or the ‘manopause’ when testosterone levels decline – medically known as andropause – symptoms can be far reaching.
It can cause changes in fat distribution leading to ‘moobs’, insomnia, loss of muscle mass and short term memory loss, to name but a few.
GP Dr Helen Wall, from The Oaks Family Practice in Bolton, says ‘male menopause’ can be a really unhelpful term though.
“The advice from the NHS is that while we appreciate that some men do become low in mood, lose their sex drive, get erectile dysfunction, have more emotional physical symptoms in their late 40s to early 50s, we don't generally recognise it as male menopause,” she says.
“In fact, we deem this an unhelpful term, because men lose testosterone at about one per cent a year around the age of 30 to 40 and it doesn't generally cause any problems in itself.
“There are physical and emotional stressors that come with age though.
“As we age, we all increase our risk factors for cardiovascular disease, we all get more overweight, and we have more stress because life's challenging.
“Men need to be aware of that and probably talk more about it.”
While the NHS doesn’t recognise it, there’s no doubt the fallout from this time in men’s lives can be seismic.
BERTIE Stringer says her husband Sheldon, 47, suffered with miserable husband syndrome in 2018 before starting supplements which changed everything.
“Sheldon had just turned 40,” says Bertie, 50, CEO of DNA Hormonal Health, from Hertfordshire.
“He went from being the Duracell bunny in terms of energy as he was a fitness trainer in a gym to being grumpy, demotivated, and just not himself.
“It mirrored my perimenopause symptoms but without a label.
“We both knew he wasn’t depressed but his doctor misunderstood his symptoms and packed him off with the antidepressant fluoxetine, sold under the brand name Prozac.
“As a nutritionist with a clinic full of similar aged men going through the same thing, I knew it was hormone related and when tested, like one in four men over 40, he had low testosterone.
“Once we knew what was going on, he started supplements which made a huge difference.”
He was taking Silverback, which contains vitamins B, C, D, as well as zinc, magnesium, creatine, d'aspartic acid, nettle root extract, ashwagandha, tribulus terrestris, saffron flower extract, boron and piperine.
There is some evidence to suggest substances like d'aspartic acid can increase testosterone in men.
The product also claims to boost energy, improve sleep, provide libido support and assist the immune system, which Sheldon experienced.
But it wasn't all down to Silverback, which is taken as a powder mixed with water.
“We also talked a lot which helped,” Bertie adds.
“More divorces happen in the mid 40s than at any other time so sweeping it under the carpet is the worst thing you can do.”
Sheldon, who also prioritised sleep and weight training, says having an understanding wife in Bertie made all the difference.
“Feeling so different so suddenly felt really isolating,” he says.
“I felt like talking about it might come across as weakness, or worse - that Bertie would think I was just being moody or difficult.
“That sense of isolation definitely made things harder too.
“When I had my testosterone levels checked and they were in decline, it gave me a sense of reason for why things were like they were.
“It wasn’t easy but Bertie and I worked at things.
“It started with small conversations and we made time for things we used to enjoy together, like walks, talking without phones, laughing about nonsense.
“I also started prioritising my own mental and physical wellbeing more.
“If anyone else is feeling like I did or has a husband or partner who’s exhibiting the symptoms I did, I’d say don’t jump to judgement.
“If your partner seems grumpy or withdrawn, there’s probably something deeper going on.
“Create a safe space for honest talk; even if it starts out awkward or uncomfortable. And if you’re the one feeling that way, don’t stay silent.
“The best relationships grow when both people are willing to listen and show up for each other.”
Clinical sexologist Marie Morice sees lots of similar cases.
“I’m incredibly familiar with it, especially among women in midlife who come to me saying things like, ‘My husband’s so negative lately - it feels like he resents everything, including me’,” she says.
“Miserable husband syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, but it is a culturally resonant term that captures something very real: when men in long-term relationships, often in their 40s to 60s, seem chronically irritable, disengaged, and emotionally flat.
“It’s not necessarily about hating their partner or marriage - it’s about feeling stuck, disillusioned, and disconnected from their own sense of purpose or identity.
“One of my clients told me her husband had started sleeping in a separate room, barely spoke to her, and only seemed animated when watching football or was scrolling through his phone.
“It’s like he checked out of our life.”
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The syndrome often surfaces in men between 45 and 60, especially after major life milestones - which Marie says exhibits as a loss of spark.
“I had one client who said her husband became a completely different person after turning 50,” she says.
“He didn’t want to travel, stopped initiating sex, and barely engaged with his adult children.
“When she tried to talk to him about it, he either shut down or lashed out.
“‘It’s like he’s angry at me for still having a spark,’ she said. And that spark is very real - because for many women, this phase of life can feel like a second spring.
“That contrast can feel threatening to a partner who is grappling with decline, disconnection, or internalised shame about ageing.”
So how can you identify it in your own relationship before it's too late? Marie says there are several key signs...
MARIE says: “It overlaps with several known phenomena: midlife crisis, chronic stress, burnout, and even andropause – the so-called ‘male menopause’.
“Unlike the female menopausal transition, which tends to be more hormonally dramatic, men’s hormonal decline is slower but it still impacts mood, libido, and vitality.
“Many men in this phase are also grappling with unspoken fears about ageing, relevance, and mortality, as well as hair loss, which is one of the top sources of stress for middle aged men.
“They often haven’t been given the tools to name or express those feelings.
“So it comes out sideways: through irritability, withdrawal, or sudden, confusing shifts in behaviour.”
MARIE says: “This involves a gradual decline in testosterone levels that can begin in a man’s 40s.
“This hormonal shift can lead to lower energy, mood swings, irritability, a lower than normal sex drive and even mild depression.
“However, while biology plays a role, what I see more often is a kind of existential slump brought on by the pressures of midlife: career stagnation, financial stress, children leaving home, or caring for ageing parents.
Is your partner suddenly working long hours, disappearing into hobbies, or becoming oddly obsessed with fitness or social media? There might be something bubbling under the surface
Marie Morice
“The husband of a client I was working with broke down after his father died, but instead of expressing grief, he became increasingly detached.
“He said he ‘felt like a ghost in his own life’. That line stayed with me; it’s such a common theme.
“These men don’t necessarily need a new partner or a new car; they need to reconnect with who they are now, in this new chapter.”
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MARIE says: “A lot of the women I speak to say the changes in their husbands and partners are incremental.
“They become more negative, less affectionate, and more easily irritated.
“There’s often a drop in intimacy, replaced by passive-aggressive comments, emotional distance, or avoidance.
“He may complain of feeling unappreciated or ‘trapped’, but when asked what’s wrong, he’ll often say, ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Nothing’.”
MARIE says: “Is your partner suddenly working long hours, disappearing into hobbies, or becoming oddly obsessed with fitness or social media?
“It’s not always sinister, but it can indicate a deeper dissatisfaction bubbling under the surface.
“Escapism gives men an opportunity to ‘press pause’ in a lot of ways.
“They don’t have to deal with what’s going on in front of them because they’re hiding in hobbies or other things that mean they don’t have to face up to the reality of not being where they want to be and addressing it.”
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Thankfully, there are ways to address the situation - for both parties.
But it's important to handle it in the right way.
From shifting blame to empathy to where to seek professional help, this is where Marie would start...
MARIE says: “Miserable husband syndrome isn’t about you doing something wrong; it’s about your partner being emotionally stuck and not knowing how to ask for help.
“That said, it does affect the relationship, and you’re well within your rights to want to address it.
“Start by naming what you’ve observed. Instead of attacking or diagnosing, open a conversation with curiosity: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve seemed unhappy lately. Do you want to talk about it?’
“This small shift, from blame to empathy, can be the key that opens a shut door.”
MARIE says: “Encourage him to seek support, but don’t force it.
“Therapy, coaching, or even just honest conversations with close friends can be transformational.
“One woman I worked with told me that after months of distance, her husband finally agreed to couples coaching and admitted he’d felt invisible and unfulfilled for years but was ashamed to say so.”
MARIE says: “It might feel like you should put yourself on the back burner and think about your partner’s needs, but don’t.
“You need to focus on your own needs too. Set boundaries, reconnect with what brings you joy, and give yourself permission to flourish whether or not your partner decides to do the same.
“Sometimes, these conversations lead to healing and reconnection. Other times, they reveal that the relationship has run its course.
“Either way, you’re not crazy and you’re not alone.”
Dr Nathan Spence, senior NHS doctor and lecturer at Oxford University, offers the following advice:
- Recognise that what you’re experiencing is valid and common.
- Open up to someone you trust – e.g. a partner, friend, or healthcare provider.
- Your GP can help to identify whether lifestyle changes, mental health support, or other treatments are needed.
- Simple steps like prioritising exercise, particularly strength training, improving sleep habits, and eating a balanced diet can significantly help.
“While eating a healthy, varied diet is important, it can be tricky to get all the nutrients you need to support your mid-life health,” says nutritionist James Davis .
“This is where taking supplements can help.”
Nutrients that can help to reduce the severity of symptoms include:
- Testosterone. Zinc helps to support normal testosterone levels in the blood. Combined with B6, it also helps to contribute to protein and glycogen metabolism.
- Energy. Vitamins B6, B12, C, riboflavin and pantothenic acid support energy production and reduce tiredness.
- Strong muscles. Vitamin D helps maintain muscle function.
- Mental wellbeing. Vitamins B6, B12, C, folate, and biotin help maintain psychological balance.
- Hair and skin health. Biotin and zinc support healthy hair, while copper contributes to normal hair pigmentation and vitamin C aids collagen formation for skin health.
- Vision maintenance. Vitamin A, riboflavin, and zinc promote healthy vision.
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