RACHEL KELLY: How to talk to your teenager about pornography, drink, drugs and, yes, those accursed smartphones

The teenage online world is an ugly place. Yes, there are pockets of fun, or it wouldn’t be so appealing to them. But it’s also full of dark content, insidious misinformation and themes of bullying, grooming, sextortion (criminals posing as teenagers to make contact, then blackmailing them by threatening to share sexual content) and gaming.

It’s an addictive world of obsessive scrolling, where young adults aged 18 to 24 spend an average of four hours and 36 minutes a day.

One parent I talked to spoke for nearly all of us when she said: ‘I just want to smash their phones into a thousand pieces and flush them down the loo.’

In the past, we weren’t sure exactly how phone usage influenced teenage mental health. However the picture is now much clearer. Research has shown smartphones block normal human development by taking time away from sleep, exercising and in‑person socialising.

Every day sees new evidence of all these damaging impacts. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt talks about ‘the great rewiring of childhood’ which happened between 2010 and 2015. He believes social media is a substantial cause of depression and anxiety – and of related behaviours such as self-harm and suicide.

As a mother-of-five whose brood, now aged 21 to 30, grew up in the social media age I have learnt much from my own experience.

In tomorrow’s Mail on Sunday, I will focus on ways parents can make and keep connections with their adolescents, but today I’m covering some of the immense challenges teenagers face in their wider relationships.

These issues range from establishing new bonds with siblings, peers and neighbours, to coping with drink, drugs and porn, and, of course, the endless lure of their phones.

The need to belong and feel attached to technology lies at the heart of social media’s appeal to teenagers. Young people can find their ‘tribe’ online: others who act or think like they do. But upsides come with downsides.

Because teens are acutely aware of social status and FOMO (fear of missing out), their internet browsing can make them feel like there’s a whole world out there which they’re not part of. In their quest to become part of the gang, the temptation is to either post only what speaks of a perfect existence or to become more outrageous in their posts in a desperation for more followers, likes, laughs and hits online. In order to fit in, our teenagers may cultivate an easily graspable identity: one that is social-media friendly and designed to be seen by others.

They end up with what one commentator called a ‘double self-image’. One minute they’re posing in their bedroom, dressed to kill, curating and posting the picture that is their online image. The next they’re in torn pyjamas and covered in spot cream.

This is an exhausting way to live. Everything is continually chronicled and the self-presentation of this identity never stops.

Social media is built to keep users locked into it – endless feeds that manipulate the brain’s dopamine delivery mechanism to keep users scrolling, while incessant notifications encourage constant checking and rechecking of their tiny screens.

What to do: Taking away teenagers’ phones isn’t going to work. The best immunisation against using digital devices for social connection is a teenager who feels understood, communicated with and connected to us.

Create digital-free zones at home and in your schedule, including holidays off-grid (ideally) involving climbing, swimming or any physical activity in which it’s impossible to be on a phone.

Mealtimes, family times, evenings and bedtimes are the most important periods to keep free of digital activities. Put your own phone aside to encourage your teen to do the same.

If you’re typing while talking to them, even if you’re actually working, they’ll interpret it as social media use. You’re giving the message that they are less important to you, so they might as well hang out with their peers online.

Ask your teenager exactly how much time they spend on social media. Many haven’t actually totted up the hours. When they do, they can be quite shocked.

For some adolescents, the present moment can feel unbearable. A teenager can feel anxious about meeting friends or coping with relationship problems. Others may be suffering from ADHD or mental health problems.

Drugs make them feel, at least temporarily, more carefree, alert or excited.

And they are easy to get hold of – easier to acquire than alcohol in many cases and often cheaper, too. As one 15-year-old teenager put it to me: ‘Parents don’t seem to even realise how common it is. It’s so easy on your phone. You just text. It’s like a website. There’s a price list, the numbers of grams.

‘They come in a car, you get in the car with them, exchange the drugs and money, you get out of the car a few streets later. It’s called “picking up”.

‘Or you meet them in the street and just brush hands. You walk past someone and high five. They decide a meeting point and you text. It doesn’t feel illegal, or sordid – there’s not a meeting in a shady alleyway.’

Although legal, alcohol is a drug that appeals to teenagers for many of the same reasons other substances do – it is enjoyable, addictive and widely available. But alcohol is highly damaging to adolescent brain development: it affects decision-making and impulse control because it slows down the brain.

It affects memory, learning and emotional regulation and it also affects movement, balance and coordination, which is why accidents and injuries are common among young people who drink.

What to do: One parent I spoke to said their most effective strategy to de-glamorise drugs was to tell their teenagers that they had partaken themselves.

‘Nothing made drugs seem less exciting to my adolescents than the idea that someone as uncool as me, their dad, had taken them when young.’

Sharing the less alluring side of drug-taking can be powerful, too. Ketamine, for example, causes the bladder to shrink to the size of a four-year-old’s, leading to a life of incontinence pads.

Since 2009, doctors have recommended an alcohol-free childhood: no alcohol until 15, and no unsupervised drinks until 18.

A sensible approach is to wait as long as you can before you allow teenagers to drink.

There’s something to be said for normalising drinking in moderation in a family context, at mealtimes or at family celebrations (when they might get tiddly on a cocktail or beer).

If we don’t, drinking may happen in secret, with teens necking a bottle of Baileys out of sight with their friends.

Our own behaviour is crucial. If teenagers see their parents drink most days or notice that we turn to the Chablis or a Pinot every time we’re disappointed, we cannot be surprised if they do the same. Be aware of the extent to which you as a family drink.

The easy availability of pornography means practically all teenagers of both sexes (not just boys, as some parents imagine) will have been affected by it at a time when they may not have had the maturity to cope with what they are seeing. It may play a much larger role in their lives than actual relationships and can make real partnerships more challenging.

Porn stars conform to conventional stereotypes, increasing the pressure on the teenagers who don’t, and so feel inadequate.

Male performers are well-endowed and have unrealistic stamina. Women in porn, meanwhile, tend to be both unusually slender and at the same time curvaceous and without body hair. Some teenage girls worry that their body does not look like that. They might also worry that, unlike female porn actresses, they are not willing to have sex of any kind at any time. As a result of porn, teenagers can struggle to find pleasure in their sexual lives.

What to do: However anxious we may be about it privately, we should avoid condemning porn outright. The more we look porn square in the face, perhaps even with some humour and a light touch, and without being judgemental, the more it loses the capacity to titillate or shock.

Reminding ourselves and our teenagers that it is a multimillion-pound business can help dissolve the secret shame around it.

We can agree porn reflects a relatively narrow version of what a sexual relationship could look like – and that their own sex lives can be far richer. There are more ways of finding physical pleasure and intimacy in reality. Porn is acting.

For teens, friendship is so crucial that going without it actually hurts – a study from the University of Michigan revealed rejection activates the same part of the brain as pain. A teenager can feel desperately vulnerable if isolated. They’ll respond as if their life is in danger, although clearly it is not.

This fear of being excluded leads to an associated syndrome: a desire to fit in – to wear the same clothes and adopt the same mannerisms, habits and attitudes as those in their friendship group.

Sticking out from the crowd is truly frightening. At the other end of the scale, teenage loneliness is a growing problem.

Read More

One mother told me that her teenager had become so shy during Covid she would send her to the shop with a written list to hand over in case she was struck mute with nerves.

What to do: We want our teenagers to make friends and find their tribe, but not at the expense of neglecting their own true natures and their need for self-development. The aim is to support them in their relationships with their peers, helping them keep a balance between enjoying their friendships but not overly pleasing others.

Make your children’s friends welcome in your home. Be active hosts, putting names to faces, making eye contact and showing an interest in their lives.

Our teenagers might be mortified, but they are likely also be secretly relieved, even pleased, that we care about them and their social relationships.

Plenty of teenagers feel they don’t have enough friends. Reassure them that making friends takes time.

Low-pressure activities can work well. Suggest they meet up with someone for nothing more threatening than a walk in the park. Team sports make sense: being on a pitch together allows them to strike up conversations about a common pursuit.

Some have told me that mobile phones have killed the art of conversation, and they need practical tips. One simple trick is the ping-pong rule: for every question we get asked, ask one back. If in doubt, ‘what about you?’ returns the ball to the other person’s court.

Despite our best efforts to stay involved with our teenagers’ choice of mates, they may choose peers who make poor choices, especially when it comes to drinking and drugs.

Status among peer groups can come from recklessness and not caring about consequences.

Teenagers who have difficulty making friends may find themselves attracted to objectionable confidants – even more so since they’ve found someone who will accept them.

What to do: Fight the urge to criticise your teenagers’ friends; the more you do, the more alluring they will become. Also, don’t blame them for your child’s bad behaviour. You may want to believe it’s wicked peers who are leading your teen down the wrong path, but the truth is there are no bad teenagers, only teenagers who are making poor choices.

It could well be that they choose to get drunk or take drugs with a group of pals because that’s a way of overcoming their shyness.

Instead of blaming them, ask yourself what their reasons for choosing these peers might be.

Try listening rather than lecturing. Spend time with them. And then share your concerns without overtly criticising their friends.

You might say: ‘I understand your friends are important to you. But I worry that you might make bad choices if you spend time with them. And I care very much about you.’

Or you might try to encourage a new activity, away from their current social circles.

The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other in a child’s life. They can support each other when we are absent and help each other grow.

But researchers have found the more siblings an adolescent has, the more likely they are to be depressed, anxious and have low self-esteem, often suffering because they are competing for parental time.

Fights break out as brothers and sisters battle for dominance and household resources. Older children resent their younger siblings for getting away with more, while younger ones feel aggrieved at being bossed around or denied more grown-up treatment.

In my own experiences as a mother-of-five, the areas that caused the most conflict were sharing personal space, possessions and friends.

What is most often at stake is equality and fairness.

What to do: Dial down the rows between siblings. Make it clear to your teenagers both parties are jointly responsible. If you try to determine ‘who started it’ you will only go backwards. Avoid direct comparisons.

It might feel as though celebrating one child comes at the cost of another. I’ve tried to involve my other children in the success of one of them, be that with a raised glass or celebratory meal. And try not to stray into ‘why can’t you be more like your brother?’ or ‘your sister never did that’.

If you can, spend time with each child individually. For many years I had a ‘special day’ with each of my five children, a moment when just the two of us went out for a coffee or a walk together, especially after school. I tried to be fully present, switching off my phone, parking my own worries and tuning in to what mattered to them. Often we saved up tricky conversations for this ‘special day’. Being in a neutral space out of the house contributed to an openness that was harder to find at home. Children don’t have as much need for rivalry when they get their fill of your attention.

OTHER ADULTS

LIKE most mothers, I often felt at fault for not being at home. But other adults can play an important role in our children’s lives. We need to put aside our fears they will meet ‘dodgy’ characters or that somehow our own close bond will be diminished.

Enlisting others to talk to and support our teenagers can feel a blessed relief. There is also much to be said for teenagers absorbing alternative viewpoints.

This is especially relevant in a world where schools have increasingly taken responsibility for children’s emotional health, moral values and political views. From dictating travel arrangements or the contents of lunch boxes to sex education classes where teachers comply with government directives on relationships, sexuality and gender identity. Young people need to make up their own minds, and the more they hear from a diverse group rather than just their teachers or indeed us, the better.

What to do: For many teenagers the extended family may be geographically or emotionally distant. My own answer has been to encourage teenage altruism: volunteering or selfless acts get them involved with other adults without being an imposition.

Numerous studies confirm that acts of kindness cheer us up, benefit society and heal some of the damage of isolation.

Beyond the family, I widened my net to encourage relationships between my adolescents and sports coaches or teachers, and the parents of my children’s friends.

ADAPTED from The Gift of Teenagers, by Rachel Kelly (Short Books, £16.99), to be published May 8. © Rachel Kelly 2025. To order a copy for £15.29 (offer valid to 17/05/25; UK P&P free on orders over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.

For confidential support, call Samaritans on 116 123 or find more information at samaritans.org