CHRIS BUCKTIN - ‘Cracks beginning to show in Hegseth's Pentagon make-up‘

When not sending US classified war plans to his family and journalists, bungling US Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth is more concerned with covering up flaws than protecting the front lines.

The head of America’s military is under fire - and not the military kind - after reports emerged that he greenlit a makeover for... a make-up room. Hegseth allegedly ordered a studio retrofitted next to the Pentagon press briefing room so officials could powder their noses before TV hits.

The price tag? A few thousand bucks. The timing? Let’s just say it’s less than ideal, as the administration hunts for ways to trim spending that don’t involve blush brushes.

A Pentagon spokesperson brushed off the report, saying room upgrades happen with every new administration – apparently, glam squads are now standard issue. After the story made headlines, Hegseth posted on X to set the record straight: “No ‘orders’ and no ‘makeup.’”

The way Hegseth is going, though, a ton of concealer isn’t a bad idea given how many cracks there are in his leadership.

Manner of speaking

Chivalry isn’t dead – it’s just racking up a massive electricity bill. OpenAI CEO Sam Altman revealed that people typing “please” and “thank you” to AI chatbots is costing the company tens of millions in energy.

When someone on X jokingly asked how much those polite keystrokes were adding up, Altman replied, “Tens of millions of dollars well spent.”

Nothing says 21st-century manners like bankrupting a tech giant with politeness.

What started as a dreamy date hunting Leland blue stones and catching a Lake Michigan sunset turned into a full-blown beach ambush when the sand swallowed Mitchell O’Brien whole.

“One second I’m walking, the next I’m in a sand trap from hell,” he said, after sinking waist-deep into what can only be described as Mother Nature’s idea of a prank.

“Man, I was stuck,” he added. “Like, my left leg was on vacation underground. It was crazy.” His date, Breanne Sika, stood by heroically, laughing first, then helping dig him out. True love, now with a side of quicksand.

Bunch of boobies

Virginia’s bare-breasted state flag has caused a full-blown modesty meltdown in Texas, where a school district has banned lessons about the Commonwealth for being a little too exposed.

Officials from Lamar, just outside Houston, decided to remove a section about the state from its online learning platform for 11-year-olds. Why? They were appalled to discover that Virginia’s flag features a classical depiction of virtue – complete with a historically accurate boob.

Yes, it seems the image of Virtus (a Roman goddess, mind you), baring one breast while standing triumphantly over tyranny, was just too racy for young Texans.

Eyeful foolish

A North Carolina mum got more than she bargained for when she accidentally glued her eyelid shut, mistaking nail glue for eye drops. Spoiler alert: it did not relieve her dry contacts.

“It burned like crazy,” said K’netha Faggart. “Then my finger stuck to my eyelid and I knew, I’d just shellacked my own eyeball.” Her daughter rushed Faggart to the hospital, where an ophthalmologist cut her eye open and retrieved a large blob of glue.

Sports seeding

In what might be the strangest college rivalry twist yet, a startup called Sperm Racing held the world’s first live semen race this week. The contenders? USC and UCLA – each providing their most competitive swimmers (yes, actual sperm) for a head-to-head, under-the-microscope showdown.

Founded by a group of young millionaires with a lot of imagination and maybe too much money, the event promises to settle once and for all which school produces the fastest... future potential. Only in America.