BMW, I am so breaking up with you

I want to be clear from the outset. I’ve never been a car enthusiast. My driving history includes a hand-me-down Volvo with a hole in the floorboards and a series of aggressively practical vehicles, including a VW Golf and a Mazda SUV in which I hauled my family around for 12 years. Then I leased a BMW i4 electric car.

What drew me to the i4? Unlike other electric vehicles, BMWs don’t look like something out of the Jetsons; I like that they’re understated cars that happen to be electric. I liked that they’re far less common than other EVs in Northern California. Plus, the i4 comes in something like a dozen colors, including “Brooklyn Gray,” which – I know I sound ridiculous – delighted me in ways that Tesla’s handful of options never could. I’d read online that early adopters were having software issues, but with visions of my sleek new BMW dancing in my head, I conveniently filed that information away. Those first few drives felt exhilarating, too. The car was beautiful, the ride was smooth, and I felt like we were going places.

Nearly two years later, I’m doing something I never thought I’d do: eagerly awaiting the end of a lease on a luxury car because its software is such a disaster that it makes my rusted-out Volvo look like a paragon of reliability.

A love story gone awry

Let me count the ways this relationship has gone wrong, starting with the most basic function: getting into my own car. On multiple occasions, I’ve stood in parking lots, unable to unlock its doors with my phone despite the BMW Digital Key being specifically designed for this purpose. This sounds trivial until you’re juggling melting groceries while looking like you’re trying to steal your own car.

Digital key issues have become so widespread that BMW owners have at times shared elaborate multi-step workarounds that read like instructions for disarming a bomb: “1. Open the BMW app on your phone and use it to unlock the door. 2. Sign in with your BMW ID in iDrive. 3. Place your iPhone in the vehicle’s charging tray. 4. Wait for the digital key to reappear in the Wallet app. 5. Double-click the side button, authenticate with Face ID, and—finally—start the car.”

The user profile system is another exercise in futility. I’ve been unable to create guest profiles without being demoted to the bottom of the user hierarchy. What this means in practice is that if anyone else drives my car – even once – the vehicle will grab their phone and playlist the moment they’re within Bluetooth range. BMW has over-engineered their profile system to the point where it requires explicit linking steps that should really happen automatically.

The car’s CarPlay integration ranges from poor to actively dangerous. Software updates routinely break CarPlay functionality, requiring complete reboots of its iDrive infotainment system. The reverse camera issue is particularly maddening; put the car in reverse while using CarPlay navigation, and when you shift back to drive, you’re dumped onto the home screen instead of returning to your directions.

The backup camera itself is practically useless in low light conditions, and the screen frequently becomes scorching hot to the touch.

Then there’s the lights issue. Unless I remember to manually lock the car after walking away from it, I’ll occasionally notice later that the exterior lights are still ablaze in my driveway. I thought it might be human error the first time it happened. By the third time, I realized that it’s a “feature” where the i4 enters a “pseudo-sleep mode” that keeps lights and other systems running indefinitely. Multiple owners report the same issue: park the car, walk away, return later to find their vehicle lit up like a beacon and draining the battery.

Beyond the feeling on a near-daily basis that the car has amnesia, there are legitimate safety concerns. The 2022 i4 was subject to six recalls in its first year, including one so serious that BMW told owners their cars were fire risks when parked and advised them to “stop driving this vehicle immediately.” Since then, other recalls have included battery control units that can cause a sudden loss of power.

BMW releases software updates for the i4 approximately every few months, but the process is fraught with issues. Updates routinely break connected services, causing owners to lose access to traffic information, weather data, remote parking functions, and even the MyBMW app connectivity.

The over-the-air update system itself is unreliable, with owners reporting updates that get stuck at various percentages for days, forcing trips to dealers for manual installation.

What’s especially galling is that BMW positions these vehicles as premium products. If you’re buying rather than leasing, the i4 starts at over $50,000, with well-equipped models pushing $70,000 or more. Meanwhile, owners of less expensive vehicles, including Hyundais and Lexus models, report bulletproof connectivity and seamless user experiences.

I’m not saying the company rushed these cars to market without adequately testing their digital ecosystem, then decided to treat their customers as beta testers without taking their well-being into account, but I’m also not not saying that.

I genuinely wanted this relationship to work. The i4 is gorgeous, drives beautifully, and represents everything I thought I wanted in an electric vehicle. But I can’t continue a relationship where the most basic functions – unlocking doors, connecting my phone, getting directions – require the patience of a saint. (I do not have the patience of a saint.)

Even my tech-savvy husband, who is usually the first to suggest user error, recently emerged from the car after a particularly frustrating software meltdown and announced that he would “need to meditate for a bit.”

Car ownership shouldn’t be a constant source of aggravation. I shouldn’t have to maintain a mental database of workarounds for features that should just work. I shouldn’t dread software updates because they might break something that was (mostly) functional.

So BMW, I’ve had it. You made a gorgeous car, then sabotaged it with software so crummy that it’s almost comical. I thought we’d drive into the sunset together. Instead, I’m driving my i4 back to the dealership as my lease is over. I’m surprised to say I can’t wait.