Someone Stole 2,810 Nintendo Switch 2s and I Think I Know Who It Was

The Switch 2 is in pretty high demand. Like, so high that it’s leading to cartoonish heist levels of high. According to police in Arapahoe County, Colo., 2,810 Switch 2s were stolen out of a truck earlier this month. A truck driver reportedly discovered the missing consoles at a pre-inspection truck stop after noticing the trailer had been broken into en route to a GameStop in Texas. According to 9NBC news, which first reported the heist, multiple pallets worth of consoles were stolen, and, as they note, it’s kind of a huge haul.

When exactly the heist occurred is unclear. According to a Facebook post from Arapahoe police, the missing consoles were noticed at a truck stop in Bennett, Colo. In case you were wondering what exactly the value of this decidedly wild heist is, I’ll save you the math. Police say each console is valued at $499, which is actually not the price of the Switch 2, but is the price of the console bundled with Mario Kart World, so that makes the entire thing a $1.4 million caper altogether. Given the size and nature of the robbery, I have a lot of questions.

For one, how did they manage to steal this many consoles so quickly? Sweeping all of them up off the pallets with a lift of some kind would be the fastest, but as pictured in a photo posted by Arapahoe police, the pallets were seemingly ditched inside the trailer. Maybe it was a lot of thieves, or maybe one thief with really big hands… Hmm. Secondly, how exactly do thieves (or a very large thief) plan on unloading all of these consoles? As noted by 9NBC news, each console has a serial number, which makes it identifiable. While there’s no way to track that console location based on the serial number, Nintendo could remotely brick those consoles and ensure they never get used, unless the owner has some jailbreak to work around that, which at this stage in the Switch 2’s life cycle is highly unlikely.

Lastly, I’m wondering who would even be diabolical enough to try and pull off a heist like this in the first place. It’d have to be someone with little to no regard for common moral values. Someone who champions greed and material gain above all else. Someone so cartoonishly bad that Bowser himself would shiver in fear at the thought. Unless… No. Could it be? Listen, I’m no detective, and I don’t mean to make light of a felony/criminal mischief qualifying robbery, but this is some Bowser shit if I’ve ever seen it.

I’m open to being wrong here, but I don’t think police can rule this one out. I mean, seriously, a heist this big would take a big criminal, and Wario is too goofy to pull it off. Bowser, though? He’s a proven kidnapper, hoarder of wealth, and a well-known would-be ruler of the world. If I’m the police (and I can assure you I am not), I’m putting out an APB for a purple muscle car with big-ass spikes on it. I’m just saying, with $1.4 million on the line, you can thank me later, Nintendo.